A Year of New Beginnings.

I'm very much looking forward to this year ending. It's been a rough year all over for everyone I know.

I've always loved New Years. It marks the celebration of one year ending and another beginning; and with that new opportunities to start again. We all make resoulutions to do something more, not do other things at all, and to lose weight. haha. And yet even though many of these fall through, just as they always do, we still can't help but think things will change with each coming new year. Well this is my year folks. I'm not making a huge long list of things I know I'll never get done, but I am making some changes in my life, and I'm sticking to them this year. So, even though it's a few days early, here's my list.

2011's New Beginnings:

• Read the Word more- not promising to read the whole thing in a year, just getting into it more than I usually do.
• Take pictures of memorible events-all the little things in life that we all cherish. I want to capture them again.
• Write more-again not an everyday thing, but more often than when I get angry once every couple of months.
• Work out- Okay I'm starting this one as an everyday thing. Even if it's just walking once around the block or doing some situps on the floor, I desperatley need to get back in shape.
• Find more time for myself- relaxing, enjoying a nice shower or bath, pamper myself, do some reading, knit more. Calming type things.

For now these are the ones I'm aiming for. Then again, it's after midnight and I'm exhausted. I'm sure I'll think of some more later...

Rights of a girlfriend?

*sigh*

Do I have a right to be mad?
That for weeks we have planned to have a nice date to ourselves and now on a spur of the moment win it gets reschedualed for a football game? That this happens to be a special occasion that I was looking forward to because we haven't had much of a date in a while? That not only is it because we haven't been out in a while, but because this date happens to be the day that we got together 3 years ago?

Do I have a right to be hurt?
Hurt because no matter how much I try to be a good girlfriend and say all the nice romantic things, and deal with the fact that he's not much of a romantic it still comes out to much of nothing. Hurt because after 3 years of having the same man in my life, and being so important to me that I give up on little things that I wanted, so that he could be happy and yet I get pushed to the side? Hurt because no matter how much he says he wants to marry me and that I'm more important to him that he still pushes me and our plans off to do something he wants to do?

Hurt and Angry because I feel about as important as a teddy bear in a box in the attic right now.

But then again maybe I'm being unreasonable. Then again if the truth hurts, well it's not my problem.

Come fly with me

Late nights are so my time of day. The house is quiet, cozy, and I'm free to do as I please. I have my thoughts to myself, and I love it. No one is bothering me, I can sit and chat to other night owls on facebook, or I can blog on here, or do homework, or read my bible, or listen to music and just chill. It's as if as soon as everyone leaves, goes to bed, I get an overwhelming that is my peace. I wish everyone could enjoy some time like this on a regular basis.

Just thought I'd share. :) I'm feeling very productive tonight.

God Bless my loves,

Mary

Life sucks, then you die.

That pretty much is summing up my life right now. Family life= going straight to hell-in-a-hand-basket. Social Life= haha. Like I ever had one. Love Life= about the only thing worth living for right now, although I'm tending to lack in this because of stress from other areas of life. School life= ugh. I don't even want to talk about it. Spiritual Life= transparent to myself, somehow visible to everyone else.

Family Life.
I can't stand to be in my house, ever, at all. I'm moving out as soon as I can get a job, and a car. My grandmother is losing (if it's not gone yet) her mind, constantly bugging the mess out of me with the same questions over and over and over again. My mom stresses all the time about everything. My dad, well he's so far gone in his own little world I don't even want to talk about it. Making my house a living hell hole, therefore I'm more than glad to stay away for as long as I can.

Social Life.
I haven't one. The constant stress has me closed off from making any kind of new aquaintences; therefore, I have no real friends anymore that I talk to on a regular/healthy basis, and frankly I'm okay and would prefer to eat lunch by myself. I totally used to be anything but that, oh well, people change.

Love Life.
Hah. JD deserves more credit than a lot of people give him. I've been quite a butthead lately, not meaning too, just it eventually comes out, and he is just there most of the time. Poor guy. He's pretty great, taking me with al my baggage that I can't seem to let go of no matter how hard he tries to get me too. Although, now I find myslef getting aggravated with him all the time over the stupidest little things, although that's probably a side effect of everything else bottling in on me.

School Life.
I've noticed I'm pushing my limits again, and I need to stop it. I started things out really well getting to school an hour early so I could park close and have plenty of time to eat breakfast and look over my english or whatever else I needed. Anyways, lately I've been getting to school in just enough time to maybe grab a quick breakfast and get straight to class, putting off assignments until they're either late, or I'm struggling to do them late the night before they're due. I have to step it up, Lord knows I can't afford to lose my scholarships. Oh well.

Spiritual Life.
Yeah, I'm not exactly sure what's going on. Some days I feel God and see Him working in my life, in other people's lives, and at the same time other days I feel numb to everything and don't know where or why it came. Ugh. I don't feel much of anything anymore. People outside of myslef who know me seem to still see whatever is left of my spiritual life, but I sure can't feel it most of the time. I just go on living and doing what I think/know to be right not sure where to go or what to do.

I think that's the problem. I'm at a huge brick wall and on the otherside is a crossroad. I know it's there because I can see around the wall and I can see that the road divides, and I have no idea how to get over the wall to make the decision towards my future. *sigh* I just wish that I could figure out why I feel so alone and numb all the time, and when it's not that it's anger and frustration. I just wish God would hurry up and fix my life so that I can scale this brick wall and get on with my future He has in store. I know I have a purpose, and I'm pretty darn sure I know what it is, I just can't figure out how i'm suppose to get there with this wall in the way.

~Frustrated and Tired.

Day 18: The Person you Wish you could be

Dear Better Person in Me,

I wish I could be you in so many ways. Don't get me wrong I'm not upset with who I am, but I long to be so much better. To have more patience and to know what to do when people ask me for advice. You are such a good Godly christian woman, with a great head on your shoulders always knowing what to do or say, and even when you don't, you know just who to turn to who can give you an answer. You are such a loving person, wild at heart but tame with passion. Your motherly instinct amazes me whenever I catch a glimpse of you. You are so caring about everyone, even total strangers. I wish I was more like you and could be you all of the time instead of small moments. I'm on the track to being better, I just need time to get there. I know I can do it.

Love,
Mary.

Day 17: Someone from your childhood

Dear Barney,

You are driving me insane. How do you appeal to little kids so much? I remember watching you as a child and loving you on tv and wanting to be a part of your backyard gang, and now as I watch my nephew he loves you as well. It's driving me insane, your repetitive songs and lyrics; and yet, there is such a sense of comfort knowing that you never cussed or said a bad thing to anyone and that you always taught me and now my nephew things we need to know and how to be a friend. Thanks for being such a good influence on such a negative world. I hope you're still around when I have kids, I want them to see what a good thing you are. Keep doing what you do. You're the most annoyingly awesome thing I think I've ever seen.


Love,
Mary

Day 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Dear Grandpa,

I miss you so much. It's so surprising to me that you've been gone 6 years ago. I miss you so terribly and it drives me crazy sometimes to think of you, and then to realize you're gone. We were so close, and I used to talk to you about everything. I valued your advice and your approval over anyone elses, and I wish so badly you were here now. Those last few months were terrifying to me. I had never seen anyone go down hill so fast, especially not you. You were so strong, so loving, so compassionate about life, but when those last months came it's like you were a completely different person. I constantly feel bad, even though I know it's not my fault what happened, but I feel bad all the time because once you started getting that way I just backed off. I didn't hardly talk to you, I barley hugged you or showed you any affection because I was afraid of hurting you, or me too I guess. And for years I've felt terrible, felt that I had something to do with your quick decline in health, because I seemed to shun you out of my life. Anyways, I wish you were here now to give your approval on the different aspects of my life. My choice in clothes, my dance, colleges, classes, my boyfriend. Hah, I'm almost 100% sure you wouldn't approve of JD, or maybe you would've surprised me and approved of him afterall. Idk he comes on strong but after a while I think as long as he treated me right and I was happy (which I am) you would come to love him like I do. I wish you were still here to see me grow into the woman I'm becoming, and the mother and wife I'm yet to be, but (like natty said as well) I know for a fact that you're in heaven with God looking down on me and smiling. I see it everytime I look at our family. We all have those cheeks you know. haha. But I love you papa, and most of all I wish you were still here for me to tell you that. I love you and I always will. You will always have a special place in my heart papa, and I'll always be your sweetheart.
Love Always,
Your Grandaughter Mary Elizabeth

PS- I still have that frog you gave me that plays that stupid sweetheart song that you got me for Valentine's Day. and I still cry everytime I turn it on. :) I miss you. See you soon.

Day 6: A Stranger

This is only 1 day late, although with the time it's technically 2.lol.

Dear Stranger,

I pass you on the street or in a car more often than I can count. I see you in all your different shapes and sizes, colors and patterns, yet I still neglect to say a word. I haven't the slightest idea who you are, but know that I wish the best for you and that God loves you. I wish I had the nerve to speak to you even if you have a terrible past. I long to know you, to help you, to tell you of the God I serve and love, but I can't bring myself to even look you in the eye. I'm sorry that I haven't the courage or the knowledge enough to teach you and enlighten you to know the true pure love that is Jesus Christ. I'm working on it, and maybe one day we can sit on the park bench and talk. You can tell me all about your past, and not be afraid that I'm going to expose you to the nearest gossip collumn, and I can help you work through your problems and past, and lead you into a bright and happy new future. And even though I know you'll never read this, it makes my soul happy with the new things to come. So dear stranger, may God bless you and watch out for you so that one day we will meet.
Sincerely Yours,
Mary

Day 5: Your Dreams

So it's midnight so technically this is 3 days late but i'm only counting it as two considering I started it just before midnight. haha.

To my dearest precious dreams,

I know we have long kept company, but do not fret I will make you come true. Often nights I'm so tired we don't spend much company together, but I know you still linger deep in my mind, waiting until the day that you come true. You my dear wedding dream, are not too far off, and you my college aspires, will be met sooner that you think. I have protected you so viciously and I will continue to strive for each and every one of you. Thank you for being so persistant in letting me know things ahead of time, as so many times you have. How you ever found out what was going to happen to me I will never know but I thank you for always being there to calm me and keep me happy and patient. I know with all of my heart that you all will come true in one way or another, and I cannot wait until you do; however, until then I will cherish you down to your last detail. (which make me impatient sometimes, because they make everything so real and I want it to be so bad.) I love you my precious dreams, and I promise you I will keep you safely tucked away until the day I release you to come true.
Love,
Mary

Day 2: Your Crush

Dear James Meriwether,

So we were just talking today about how you qualify for a couple of these, this being one of them, kind of. You are by far NOT a crush anymore, although you started out as just a crush after two and a half years and a multitude of wonderful memories it's more like love. I love you more than life itself, more than breath, more than chocolate, more than my own life. Although we tell each other constantly everyday that we love each other, I never feel like it's enough. I never thought I'd get lucky enough to get that all time fairytale that every girl dreams of, but I did. People may think we're crazy for saying we're going to marry each other some day, but let people think whatever they will. I know I'm going to marry you some day, and the more I think about it the more impatient I get. I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. You have no idea how happy it makes me just thinking about waking up every morning next to you, cooking together, picking out a house, arranging furniture. Just the little things that everyone takes advantage of makes me excited to do together with you for us. You make me so happy. Anytime I'm having a bad day, you know just how to cheer me up and make me feel better. Even though sometimes we have our spots of trouble we always recover quick and better than ever. I love you so much words can't describe my feelings. You are my love, my life, my soul mate, my best friend, my secret keeper, my joy, keeper of my heart, my everything. I'm yours forever, no matter what happens, or what anyone says.
Love Always,
Mary.

Day 1: Your Best Friend

While I have many friends, about whom I can talk to about just some things, I find that I have two friends I can talk to about everything so they both have a letter here. Let's do this.


Dear Nastassia,

Well, we've known each other since freshman year of high school when we were those giggly girls in science class, until now when we're still those giggly girls but we've matured so much into beautiful young ladies. We've had our ups and our downs as every friendship is bound to go through, but we've still been there for each other when on needed the other. I remember freshman year when you would tease me relentlessly about never having a boyfriend or being kissed, when I had a feeling you hadn't really been kissed much yourself. I remember sophmore year when we all went through the crushes, and I swore up and down I'd never have a chance with Jd (my future husband as we all know.lol) and told you that you were beautiful and could have anyone of your liking. Though sometimes it was hard when we would grow apart because of silly gossip, or our own pride, we always found a way back to being best friends again ang again. I believe our friendship will truely be one of those that distance cannot seperate and time cannot break, even though the years will come and go, we both know that we'll be friends until we're old and grey. When we'll have houses close to each other out in a little piece of country with big front porches with our grandchildren playing together. :) I'm so glad we met that day in gym class, your everlasting words will forever be in my heart, your writing will always surprise and motivate me to be better, and you yourself inspire me to be a better and stronger person each and every day of my life. I love you nastassia, my sister, my friend.
Your Forever Friend,
Mary



Dear Amanda,
Where to begin, where to begin? We've been best friends from the womb I swear. I have so many memories over my life and I can't seem to remember one where you weren't either there, or you were my best friend no matter who asked. :) I think the thing about our friendship that astounds me most is we never grow up.haha. No matter how serious the matter is whenever we get together we always have a great time doing the simplest of things. I would say that we've been through hard times together, but really we haven't. We're just two souls who have almost always gotten along, and never really had to deal with any of the drama of anything. Not saying that anything could bring us down, because we've both had our share of hard times, but I think that's why our friendship lasts so well, because we know what each other is going through and instead of talking it out we just diverge it to take our minds off of it and just have fun and make wonderful memories despite trying times. Then we hit high school! Just kidding.lol. I remember the time when we didn't spend alot of time together going to different schools and such, but even after those years of not hanging out every other day or weekend, we just struck up conversation as if it had just been a few days since we had seen each other. That is one of the things I truely love about us. No matter how long we're apart it only takes a matter of minutes for us to be closer that sisters again. You've been there for me despite my bad moods and hard times, as well as I have been for you. I'm highly favored and blessed to have you as a best friend. You are one of the best best friends ever, you are my sister, and my true friend. I love you amanda! :)
Love,
Mary

I need to stretch.

Wow, so where to begin? Well since my last blog I have gone through some trying times and some great times, but even through everything I still see God answering my prayers on a daily basis. I know He's answering them in His time, even though I can't see it sometimes. God is good all the time, but sometimes I wish all the time was now! Stretching is a complicated process.

Ever since I was little I've taken dance classes. I was one of those little girls who loved to dance around, but could never remember what I was doing. I laugh at myself now watching old videos of dance recitals, where I'm the one on the end watching everyone else and a couple of seconds behind. Yet, no matter how eager I was to dance at class or at recitals everything started the same, stretching. In order to not hurt ourselves and to warm our body's up to the fast paced movement, we all had to stretch. Stretch our arms, our legs, our necks, our toes, our fingers, our backs, everything you could think of we stretched. Back then stretching didn't hurt. I was flexable, I was little, I was durable. Now, however, I stretch from getting out of bed and it hurts. haha.

This seems slightly scattered but stay with me.

I think this is a big reason God says we're supposed to be like little children. Because children don't have a problem with stretching. If they know something good is waiting they'll do just about whatever if they know they're getting a reward. Why do we not do that? Why do we have trouble saying 'hi' or even just smiling at strangers when God tells us to? "Oh God no, I can't say hello to them, what will they think?" HELLO?!?!?! REALLY?!!? I've had a child who I have no idea who they are wave at me and say hello, for no apparent reason other than I WAS THERE. Anyway, on a deeper level sometimes God tries to stretch us spiritually by presenting us with opportunities to seek reward. He doesn't always tell us the reward, only what we must do to obtain it, and yet sometimes we doubt Him. As if He's lying, and He's going to pull the rug out from under us in the middle of stretching and leave us akward and alone. Uh...I think not.

Anyways, I was on a rant about this, but now I'm done, before I started. So I hope this gets through to someone. I don't know, maybe it was just for me. The world will never know.

Sweet Summertime.

'... perfect song on the radio, sing along cause it's one we know, it's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a sip of wine, it's summertime.'

Ahh, the smell of the ballfield, the heat of the sun on my back, ice cold cola in my hand, flipflops, and shorts, welcome back summer, it's been too long.

I love the feel of summer. The lack of stress about assignments for school, the freedom of doing whatever whenever, the life and love that seems to linger through the air as kids play ball and run around without shoes on. So many times I feel bad if I don't do something with my summer. Ah it's so nice staying up late, sleeping in whenever I want, going and doing whatever I want (for the most part atleast ;) hah) whever I wanted. Trying to get tan, burning and hurting.lol. Running around barefoot, anticipating the Fourth of July and all the fireworks. Swimming until I pruned, and running around in the sun to dry off and enjoy life.

These are the things that make summer great. Summer 2010 Bring it on.

Beauty Restored.

'I am beautiful no matter what they say, no words can't bring me down. So don't you bring me down today.'

Confidence in a girl when it comes to her appearance and image is hard to find these days. Which really if you think about it is very sad because so many young women are so very beautiful and yet we see them starve themselves or run themselves thin trying to get skinnier, taller, thinner, more popular, and in their own opinion more beautiful. I've always been one of those girls who could preach to my friends about their self image and self worth. I can remember early on in my childhood telling my friends that they were really pretty and shouldn't worry so much about their appearences; however, whenever I'd be alone looking in the mirror I'd self conciously pick out my own flaws and degrade myself little by little.

Years later I chide my friends for worrying about their appearance and again later on I find myself picking out my own flaws as well. Not many people ever knew or know now that I've always been self concious about my own image. In fact, I've so cleverly and convincingly desguised it that many people are envious of me thinking I don't face that issue. I've often thought the same of people who have preached to others about having a negative self image.

Well I'm here to tell you that that exact thought is terribly inncorrect. Ever since I was little I've always been called beautiful or pretty and never really believed it. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I've grown up around all boys for the most part in my family and never really had a female figure in my life to show me how to wear make up an arch my eyebrows. I knew my cousins wore makeup and such, but sometimes whenever I looked at their lives (having kids out of wedlock, and not seeming to be happy) I always thought that I didn't want to be like them so I didn't try to look like them either. Now, I look back I'm still glad I didn't make that choice because it would have put me in positions that I wasn't mature enough or ready to be put in, and at the same time I wish they hadn't worn so much makeup and stuff to hide their natural features. I've seen them all without makeup and they are all very beautiful people and it hurt my self image to see them put so much on to try and be happy and yet never achieve happyness.

Now I look at my life and my appearance after hearing so many sermons and preachings about self image, hearing myself childe people so many times, and praying and listening to God; I can look at myself in the mirror at night before I go to bed and appreciate my inner beauty as well as my outward beauty. I can look in the mirror and instead of seeing my frizzy hair I can appreciate my contagious smile. God as restored my heart and my eyes so that I not only see my inner beauty but so I can appreciate His creation. Me.

Barefeet.Pickup Trucks.Swimming Pools. and Country Music

These are the things the best summers are made of.

Ah summertime rolls around again. I always loved summer. No school, free time, sleeping in, and swimming all day long. So far it's starting off slow, but I know it'll pick up soon. As I sit here and enjoy a nice summer night, I soak it all in. This is my last summer. Not forever maybe, but once you get out into the world of work there are no summer breaks.lol.

It's kind of a sad thought really. I think it might be why many adults are uptight during the summer, because they're stuck working instead of enjoying the sunshine. Maybe not, heck who knows in this day and age, not many people get out and enjoy the summer sun anyway, 'it's too hot' or 'it's so dry and humid' Kids need to get back out there and play! Sunshine is only healthy. :-) Although as a kid I really didn't get much sun, I played outside, just in the shade, I burn easily though.haha.

So I'll continue to soak up the sun and enjoy the cool nights of this summer, until I don't get the chance to anymore. Go out reading in the shade, or just taking pictures of the natural beauty. Who knows what this summer will have in store. Maybe I'll take a trip to see my family, maybe I'll finally go to Nashville Shores. I tell you what I am excited for though. All the weddings, basketball games, and white water rafting again in July.



Oh plus my 18th Birthday! :D


Love Always,
Mary :)

Where to start?

I suppose for those of us who aren't genuinely talented writers (cough cough Nastassia..lol.) the best place to start is the beginning. The beginning of what though? Where should one begin? It's always hard talking about yourself; yet, I suppose I'll give it a try.

I've grown up in Smyrna all my life. In the same old house on Baker Street. Just kidding, but I have lived in the same house on Hazelwood Drive all my life. I've grown up all my life respecting my elders, and being a polite little christian girl. I've grown up in church, worshipping a God I could fathom or see. I feel bad a lot looking back because I don't remember exactly the year or the month that I actually believed what I could physically see, but that's because I don't remember there being a time where I didn't believe. I guess that's what happens sometimes when you grow up in a church. You're so young you believe in anything and then you just keep believing when you're older.

Anyway, up until now I can't say I've had many life experiences like many people my age. I've never snuck out of the house, I've never watched a movie I wasn't supposed to, or really done anything I wasn't supposed to. Don't get me wrong, I did things that got me into trouble, but never anything drastic. I think the most dramatic thing I did as a kid to get myself into trouble was fall asleep with bubble gum in my mouth and when I woke up with it in my hair I was so afraid of getting in trouble I just cut it out instead, not knowing peanut butter would take it out; but live and learn I suppose. I guess I grew up to be the good church going girl that my parents wanted me to be, and really even though it's a dorky label, it makes me proud to have it. Many people lose it early in life, having a rebellious childhood or being a troublesome teenager, but I can't say I ever really went into anything like that. I got along with everyone, and many times better with people older than myself.

The only thing I can figure is since I just graduated last Friday night, it's got me thinking back on my past. Things I have and haven't done, things I still have time to do, and want to do. Dreams that never got fufilled and dreams that I haven't even began to attempt to fulfill yet. I hope to make my dreams come true. I hope to help others and do my best to make this world a better place for others. I love life, I love to live, I love to love. Maybe you can understand that.

I've been inspired.

Well, since a certain best friend of mine decided to keep her blog updated, and I keep saying I want to. She has inspired me to start anew and keep up with this.

Why not? I've just graduated, I'm moving on with my life in a newer brighter direction. It's a good place to start over from.

So to all my readers, as few of you as there are, here's me.