Live. Life. Love.
11.13.2011
12.28.2010
A Year of New Beginnings.
I'm very much looking forward to this year ending. It's been a rough year all over for everyone I know.
I've always loved New Years. It marks the celebration of one year ending and another beginning; and with that new opportunities to start again. We all make resoulutions to do something more, not do other things at all, and to lose weight. haha. And yet even though many of these fall through, just as they always do, we still can't help but think things will change with each coming new year. Well this is my year folks. I'm not making a huge long list of things I know I'll never get done, but I am making some changes in my life, and I'm sticking to them this year. So, even though it's a few days early, here's my list.
2011's New Beginnings:
I've always loved New Years. It marks the celebration of one year ending and another beginning; and with that new opportunities to start again. We all make resoulutions to do something more, not do other things at all, and to lose weight. haha. And yet even though many of these fall through, just as they always do, we still can't help but think things will change with each coming new year. Well this is my year folks. I'm not making a huge long list of things I know I'll never get done, but I am making some changes in my life, and I'm sticking to them this year. So, even though it's a few days early, here's my list.
2011's New Beginnings:
- Read the Word more- not promising to read the whole thing in a year, just getting into it more than I usually do.
- Take pictures of memorible events-all the little things in life that we all cherish. I want to capture them again.
- Write more-again not an everyday thing, but more often than when I get angry once every couple of months.
- Work out- Okay I'm starting this one as an everyday thing. Even if it's just walking once around the block or doing some situps on the floor, I desperatley need to get back in shape.
- Find more time for myself- relaxing, enjoying a nice shower or bath, pamper myself, do some reading, knit more. Calming type things.
For now these are the ones I'm aiming for. Then again, it's after midnight and I'm exhausted. I'm sure I'll think of some more later...
12.07.2010
Rights of a girlfriend?
*sigh*
Do I have a right to be mad?
That for weeks we have planned to have a nice date to ourselves and now on a spur of the moment win it gets reschedualed for a football game? That this happens to be a special occasion that I was looking forward to because we haven't had much of a date in a while? That not only is it because we haven't been out in a while, but because this date happens to be the day that we got together 3 years ago?
Do I have a right to be hurt?
Hurt because no matter how much I try to be a good girlfriend and say all the nice romantic things, and deal with the fact that he's not much of a romantic it still comes out to much of nothing. Hurt because after 3 years of having the same man in my life, and being so important to me that I give up on little things that I wanted, so that he could be happy and yet I get pushed to the side? Hurt because no matter how much he says he wants to marry me and that I'm more important to him that he still pushes me and our plans off to do something he wants to do?
Hurt and Angry because I feel about as important as a teddy bear in a box in the attic right now.
But then again maybe I'm being unreasonable. Then again if the truth hurts, well it's not my problem.
Do I have a right to be mad?
That for weeks we have planned to have a nice date to ourselves and now on a spur of the moment win it gets reschedualed for a football game? That this happens to be a special occasion that I was looking forward to because we haven't had much of a date in a while? That not only is it because we haven't been out in a while, but because this date happens to be the day that we got together 3 years ago?
Do I have a right to be hurt?
Hurt because no matter how much I try to be a good girlfriend and say all the nice romantic things, and deal with the fact that he's not much of a romantic it still comes out to much of nothing. Hurt because after 3 years of having the same man in my life, and being so important to me that I give up on little things that I wanted, so that he could be happy and yet I get pushed to the side? Hurt because no matter how much he says he wants to marry me and that I'm more important to him that he still pushes me and our plans off to do something he wants to do?
Hurt and Angry because I feel about as important as a teddy bear in a box in the attic right now.
But then again maybe I'm being unreasonable. Then again if the truth hurts, well it's not my problem.
10.30.2010
Come fly with me
Late nights are so my time of day. The house is quiet, cozy, and I'm free to do as I please. I have my thoughts to myself, and I love it. No one is bothering me, I can sit and chat to other night owls on facebook, or I can blog on here, or do homework, or read my bible, or listen to music and just chill. It's as if as soon as everyone leaves, goes to bed, I get an overwhelming that is my peace. I wish everyone could enjoy some time like this on a regular basis.
Just thought I'd share. :) I'm feeling very productive tonight.
God Bless my loves,
Mary
9.29.2010
Life sucks, then you die.
That pretty much is summing up my life right now. Family life= going straight to hell-in-a-hand-basket. Social Life= haha. Like I ever had one. Love Life= about the only thing worth living for right now, although I'm tending to lack in this because of stress from other areas of life. School life= ugh. I don't even want to talk about it. Spiritual Life= transparent to myself, somehow visible to everyone else.
Family Life.
I can't stand to be in my house, ever, at all. I'm moving out as soon as I can get a job, and a car. My grandmother is losing (if it's not gone yet) her mind, constantly bugging the mess out of me with the same questions over and over and over again. My mom stresses all the time about everything. My dad, well he's so far gone in his own little world I don't even want to talk about it. Making my house a living hell hole, therefore I'm more than glad to stay away for as long as I can.
Social Life.
I haven't one. The constant stress has me closed off from making any kind of new aquaintences; therefore, I have no real friends anymore that I talk to on a regular/healthy basis, and frankly I'm okay and would prefer to eat lunch by myself. I totally used to be anything but that, oh well, people change.
Love Life.
Hah. JD deserves more credit than a lot of people give him. I've been quite a butthead lately, not meaning too, just it eventually comes out, and he is just there most of the time. Poor guy. He's pretty great, taking me with al my baggage that I can't seem to let go of no matter how hard he tries to get me too. Although, now I find myslef getting aggravated with him all the time over the stupidest little things, although that's probably a side effect of everything else bottling in on me.
School Life.
I've noticed I'm pushing my limits again, and I need to stop it. I started things out really well getting to school an hour early so I could park close and have plenty of time to eat breakfast and look over my english or whatever else I needed. Anyways, lately I've been getting to school in just enough time to maybe grab a quick breakfast and get straight to class, putting off assignments until they're either late, or I'm struggling to do them late the night before they're due. I have to step it up, Lord knows I can't afford to lose my scholarships. Oh well.
Spiritual Life.
Yeah, I'm not exactly sure what's going on. Some days I feel God and see Him working in my life, in other people's lives, and at the same time other days I feel numb to everything and don't know where or why it came. Ugh. I don't feel much of anything anymore. People outside of myslef who know me seem to still see whatever is left of my spiritual life, but I sure can't feel it most of the time. I just go on living and doing what I think/know to be right not sure where to go or what to do.
I think that's the problem. I'm at a huge brick wall and on the otherside is a crossroad. I know it's there because I can see around the wall and I can see that the road divides, and I have no idea how to get over the wall to make the decision towards my future. *sigh* I just wish that I could figure out why I feel so alone and numb all the time, and when it's not that it's anger and frustration. I just wish God would hurry up and fix my life so that I can scale this brick wall and get on with my future He has in store. I know I have a purpose, and I'm pretty darn sure I know what it is, I just can't figure out how i'm suppose to get there with this wall in the way.
~Frustrated and Tired.
Family Life.
I can't stand to be in my house, ever, at all. I'm moving out as soon as I can get a job, and a car. My grandmother is losing (if it's not gone yet) her mind, constantly bugging the mess out of me with the same questions over and over and over again. My mom stresses all the time about everything. My dad, well he's so far gone in his own little world I don't even want to talk about it. Making my house a living hell hole, therefore I'm more than glad to stay away for as long as I can.
Social Life.
I haven't one. The constant stress has me closed off from making any kind of new aquaintences; therefore, I have no real friends anymore that I talk to on a regular/healthy basis, and frankly I'm okay and would prefer to eat lunch by myself. I totally used to be anything but that, oh well, people change.
Love Life.
Hah. JD deserves more credit than a lot of people give him. I've been quite a butthead lately, not meaning too, just it eventually comes out, and he is just there most of the time. Poor guy. He's pretty great, taking me with al my baggage that I can't seem to let go of no matter how hard he tries to get me too. Although, now I find myslef getting aggravated with him all the time over the stupidest little things, although that's probably a side effect of everything else bottling in on me.
School Life.
I've noticed I'm pushing my limits again, and I need to stop it. I started things out really well getting to school an hour early so I could park close and have plenty of time to eat breakfast and look over my english or whatever else I needed. Anyways, lately I've been getting to school in just enough time to maybe grab a quick breakfast and get straight to class, putting off assignments until they're either late, or I'm struggling to do them late the night before they're due. I have to step it up, Lord knows I can't afford to lose my scholarships. Oh well.
Spiritual Life.
Yeah, I'm not exactly sure what's going on. Some days I feel God and see Him working in my life, in other people's lives, and at the same time other days I feel numb to everything and don't know where or why it came. Ugh. I don't feel much of anything anymore. People outside of myslef who know me seem to still see whatever is left of my spiritual life, but I sure can't feel it most of the time. I just go on living and doing what I think/know to be right not sure where to go or what to do.
I think that's the problem. I'm at a huge brick wall and on the otherside is a crossroad. I know it's there because I can see around the wall and I can see that the road divides, and I have no idea how to get over the wall to make the decision towards my future. *sigh* I just wish that I could figure out why I feel so alone and numb all the time, and when it's not that it's anger and frustration. I just wish God would hurry up and fix my life so that I can scale this brick wall and get on with my future He has in store. I know I have a purpose, and I'm pretty darn sure I know what it is, I just can't figure out how i'm suppose to get there with this wall in the way.
~Frustrated and Tired.
7.28.2010
Day 18: The Person you Wish you could be
Dear Better Person in Me,
I wish I could be you in so many ways. Don't get me wrong I'm not upset with who I am, but I long to be so much better. To have more patience and to know what to do when people ask me for advice. You are such a good Godly christian woman, with a great head on your shoulders always knowing what to do or say, and even when you don't, you know just who to turn to who can give you an answer. You are such a loving person, wild at heart but tame with passion. Your motherly instinct amazes me whenever I catch a glimpse of you. You are so caring about everyone, even total strangers. I wish I was more like you and could be you all of the time instead of small moments. I'm on the track to being better, I just need time to get there. I know I can do it.
Love,
Mary.
I wish I could be you in so many ways. Don't get me wrong I'm not upset with who I am, but I long to be so much better. To have more patience and to know what to do when people ask me for advice. You are such a good Godly christian woman, with a great head on your shoulders always knowing what to do or say, and even when you don't, you know just who to turn to who can give you an answer. You are such a loving person, wild at heart but tame with passion. Your motherly instinct amazes me whenever I catch a glimpse of you. You are so caring about everyone, even total strangers. I wish I was more like you and could be you all of the time instead of small moments. I'm on the track to being better, I just need time to get there. I know I can do it.
Love,
Mary.
Day 17: Someone from your childhood
Dear Barney,
You are driving me insane. How do you appeal to little kids so much? I remember watching you as a child and loving you on tv and wanting to be a part of your backyard gang, and now as I watch my nephew he loves you as well. It's driving me insane, your repetitive songs and lyrics; and yet, there is such a sense of comfort knowing that you never cussed or said a bad thing to anyone and that you always taught me and now my nephew things we need to know and how to be a friend. Thanks for being such a good influence on such a negative world. I hope you're still around when I have kids, I want them to see what a good thing you are. Keep doing what you do. You're the most annoyingly awesome thing I think I've ever seen.
Love,
Mary
You are driving me insane. How do you appeal to little kids so much? I remember watching you as a child and loving you on tv and wanting to be a part of your backyard gang, and now as I watch my nephew he loves you as well. It's driving me insane, your repetitive songs and lyrics; and yet, there is such a sense of comfort knowing that you never cussed or said a bad thing to anyone and that you always taught me and now my nephew things we need to know and how to be a friend. Thanks for being such a good influence on such a negative world. I hope you're still around when I have kids, I want them to see what a good thing you are. Keep doing what you do. You're the most annoyingly awesome thing I think I've ever seen.
Love,
Mary
7.17.2010
Day 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Dear Grandpa,
I miss you so much. It's so surprising to me that you've been gone 6 years ago. I miss you so terribly and it drives me crazy sometimes to think of you, and then to realize you're gone. We were so close, and I used to talk to you about everything. I valued your advice and your approval over anyone elses, and I wish so badly you were here now. Those last few months were terrifying to me. I had never seen anyone go down hill so fast, especially not you. You were so strong, so loving, so compassionate about life, but when those last months came it's like you were a completely different person. I constantly feel bad, even though I know it's not my fault what happened, but I feel bad all the time because once you started getting that way I just backed off. I didn't hardly talk to you, I barley hugged you or showed you any affection because I was afraid of hurting you, or me too I guess. And for years I've felt terrible, felt that I had something to do with your quick decline in health, because I seemed to shun you out of my life. Anyways, I wish you were here now to give your approval on the different aspects of my life. My choice in clothes, my dance, colleges, classes, my boyfriend. Hah, I'm almost 100% sure you wouldn't approve of JD, or maybe you would've surprised me and approved of him afterall. Idk he comes on strong but after a while I think as long as he treated me right and I was happy (which I am) you would come to love him like I do. I wish you were still here to see me grow into the woman I'm becoming, and the mother and wife I'm yet to be, but (like natty said as well) I know for a fact that you're in heaven with God looking down on me and smiling. I see it everytime I look at our family. We all have those cheeks you know. haha. But I love you papa, and most of all I wish you were still here for me to tell you that. I love you and I always will. You will always have a special place in my heart papa, and I'll always be your sweetheart.
Love Always,
Your Grandaughter Mary Elizabeth
PS- I still have that frog you gave me that plays that stupid sweetheart song that you got me for Valentine's Day. and I still cry everytime I turn it on. :) I miss you. See you soon.
I miss you so much. It's so surprising to me that you've been gone 6 years ago. I miss you so terribly and it drives me crazy sometimes to think of you, and then to realize you're gone. We were so close, and I used to talk to you about everything. I valued your advice and your approval over anyone elses, and I wish so badly you were here now. Those last few months were terrifying to me. I had never seen anyone go down hill so fast, especially not you. You were so strong, so loving, so compassionate about life, but when those last months came it's like you were a completely different person. I constantly feel bad, even though I know it's not my fault what happened, but I feel bad all the time because once you started getting that way I just backed off. I didn't hardly talk to you, I barley hugged you or showed you any affection because I was afraid of hurting you, or me too I guess. And for years I've felt terrible, felt that I had something to do with your quick decline in health, because I seemed to shun you out of my life. Anyways, I wish you were here now to give your approval on the different aspects of my life. My choice in clothes, my dance, colleges, classes, my boyfriend. Hah, I'm almost 100% sure you wouldn't approve of JD, or maybe you would've surprised me and approved of him afterall. Idk he comes on strong but after a while I think as long as he treated me right and I was happy (which I am) you would come to love him like I do. I wish you were still here to see me grow into the woman I'm becoming, and the mother and wife I'm yet to be, but (like natty said as well) I know for a fact that you're in heaven with God looking down on me and smiling. I see it everytime I look at our family. We all have those cheeks you know. haha. But I love you papa, and most of all I wish you were still here for me to tell you that. I love you and I always will. You will always have a special place in my heart papa, and I'll always be your sweetheart.
Love Always,
Your Grandaughter Mary Elizabeth
PS- I still have that frog you gave me that plays that stupid sweetheart song that you got me for Valentine's Day. and I still cry everytime I turn it on. :) I miss you. See you soon.
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